King Joseph's Mighty Kingdom
by iloveeverybodylovesraymond
Summary: King Joseph eagerly awaits his wedding to Lady Deborah. However, a stranger from a distant land seeks to challenge not only his kingdom... But his marriage as well! Friends x Everybody Loves Raymond crossover with medieval elements.
1. King Joseph Gazes Upon His Kingdom

"Lo and behold... The day breaks open near yonder mountain valley, filling it with warm light, mirth and laughter. For today is the day our fathers have long foretold, passed down from generation to generation. Many have died, in vain and in honor, for us to gaze upon this day with our own two eyes. Today is the first day of a new kingdom!"

King Joseph Tribbiani the 15th, royal emperor of New Yorkington, sat upon his kingly throne with an air of majesty. Dressed in his royal gowns, he gazed upon his empire like a hawk. "Today is the day", he repeated to himself over and over again. A single tear formed in his lower eye and gently caressed his face as it smoothly glided over his soft, perfect skin. King Joseph was always a ladies man, but today was the day he would leave it all behind. He looked at his ring finger, long barren until this blessed day.

"Sir Bing", Joey proclaimed and in walked in his best man, his right hand, his stallion with which he would ride off to war! Clip-clop, clip-clop went the hooves of Chandler's feet as he sauntered into King Joseph's royal bedroom. Chandler was a fine steed, born and bred by only the finest of the talking horse clan of the lower east kingdom. King Joesph and chandler were inseparable, friends to the very end of time and space!

"Could to- _neigh_ be any more perfect?" proudly proclaimed Chandler.

"No my good horse, today could not be any more perfect! For today is the day of my ROYAL wedding, to my blessed fiancee deborah, the beautiful. LONG MAY HER BEAUTY FILL THE HALLS OF MY FOREFATHERS AND MAY SHE BLESS THESE BLESSED HALLS WITH MANY BLESSED CHILDREN FROM WHICH I MAY PULL A HEIR. Now tell me young Chandler, my blessed companion, how are the preparations going? Is the feast FIT FOR A KING?"

"The riga- _pony_ is steaming, the _breed_ is crisp and raw and many _foals_ of soup are ready for even the peasants to feast and celebrate upon! Could thy food be-ist any more readington?"

"No my good horse... the food could be not any more readington..."

KING Joseph walked over to the window and gazed at the bright sun. His eyes twinkled in the glow, as if the sun was proclaiming "LOVE LIVE THE KINGDOM OF JOEY AND DEBORAH." But hark! What was this? A lone rider coming in from the western country? Invitations were sent out many moons ago and many a guest of lord and lady have filled the halls with their joyful celebrations already. Who could this be?

"Sir Chandler! My blessed steed and greatest companion! Use your telescopic eyes to see who this may be!"

"Right a- _neigh_ " cried Chandler and his eyes morphed into the shape of a bifocal lens. After all, Chandler was a magic horse! But from what his eyes saw, his brain could not perceive! "My lord, King Joseph! The rider is clad in the garbs of people from the western Isle of Long Islington! Checkered, almost plaid, armor and a headpiece sporting the symbol of New Yorkington's archery team! Could he be anymore out of place?"

"No, he could not be more out of place! Quickly, open the gates! Let him in!"

The gate creaked open and in rode this mysterious man. The entire city, just now awakening from their blessed slumber, filled the streets and gazed upon the man. Awe and majesty filled their eyes as they could tell that this man was also very kingly in his own right!

"Why, look at all of the people gazing upon him! Its as if…. its as if everybody loves him!" proclaimed King Joseph in his most kingly and dignified manner.

"Could i be any more worried about this man, King Joseph? However, I will con- _steed_ , surely he is a handsome fellow!"

"Hey young chandler, he is rather handsome."

Joey walked to his window and gazed upon the man with an iron eye and a steel toe…


	2. Lord Raymington Serenades a Feast

"Greetings King Joseph! I have traveled many miles, over marsh and swampland, over desert and tropical wasteland, over ash and fire and brimstone, to finally come upon your great kingdom. For that, I give thanks to the gods that they have spared me through this terrible journey! Upon my eyes meeting the sightlines of your kingdom I could have shed a blessed tear of unimaginable proportions! Rather, I raise my glass in celebration and in honor of your blessed kingdom and its many unimaginable hopes, dreams and fears."

"How you doin'?" said King Joesph. "Welcome to my kingdom, though I must admit that I did not catch your name!"

"Romano" said the incredibly handsome stranger. "Raymond Romano, though my god given name is Raymond Albert "Ray" Romano The Eighteenth. I hail from the kingdom of Long Islington There I am both a squire, king, and jester for I wear many hats in the blessed land of my forefathers and THEIR FOREFATHERS BEFORE THEM."

"Ah, a jester! Mayhaps I be asking of thee if thou art here for my wedding to my blessed wife Deborah? LONG MAY HER BEAUTY FILL THESE HALLS WITH BLESSED SONG AND DANCE AND FILL THE LANDS WITH BLUE SKIES, GREEN GRASS AND A PASTURE FOR WHICH ALL LIVESTOCK MAY FEAST UPON THE BANQUET WHICH WITH THE GOOD LORD HAS GIVEN UNTO US."

"My liege and friend, King Joseph…" whispered Chandler… "Me hast a feeling our visitor has foal intentions… He may be less than worthy… Could I feel any more apprehensive?"

"Nonsense Lord Chandler! NONSENSE", proclaimed King Joseph in the most kingly manner, his voice echoing through the halls of his father into the wide plains of his kingdom, bouncing off of mountain top and mountain bottom until the entire earth may be filled with his sweet dulcet tones! "Come lord Raymington, join us for our royal breakfast! Where we may feast and sing many songs about our kingdom and your kingdom and the land and the sea and the HALL OF OUR FOREFATHERS WHICH MIGHT WE ONE DAY HONOR AND INHERENT IN A GRAND CEREMONY"

"Yes", said Lord Raymington, "I am very famished from my long journey and would very much appreciate food and drink!"

Lord Chandler's stomach rumbled with THE INTENSITY OF A THOUSAND MAN ARMY PUMMELING THE LAND IN ORDER TO CAST SINGS AWAY FROM THEIR BODY AND TO BEG FOR FORGIVENESS FROM THEIR GODS. "Could i be any more hungry? Methinks i could muzzle down a whole pint of our kingdom's finest beers!"

"Yes, please come this way Lord Rayminington, may we feast LIKE THE VULTURES AT THE END OF A BLOODY AND WEARISOME BATTLE", proclaimed Lord Joseph in a lordly manner.

And lo did they feast upon only the finest bread, honey, wine and hay imaginable!

"Lord Raymington! I pray that you may bless these halls with a song of your fathers! For many moons we have sung the hymns of our great fathers AND THEIR FATHERS BEFORE THEM AND THEIR FATHERS BEFORE THEM but a new song would be an excellent addition to the puzzle we call breakfast."

"Yes, but of course", said Lord Raymington. He began to sing a somber, yet uplifting hymn. Some of which is written here:

I met you on somebody's island

You thought you had known me before

I brought you a crate of papaya

They waited all night by your door

You probably wouldn't remember

I probably couldn't forget

Jungle love in the surf in the pouring rain

Everything's better when wet

Jungle love it's drivin' me mad

It's makin' me crazy

Jungle love it's drivin' me mad

It's makin' me crazy

Jungle love it's drivin' me mad

It's makin' me crazy

Jungle love it's drivin' me mad

It's makin' me crazy

"Could that song be any more of a treat!" proclaimed Chandler. "Why this hooves that you certainly come here with good intentions!"

Just as Chandler finished his praise, the dining doors swung open and a young peasant walked in. "PROCLAIMING HER MAJESTY, DEBORAH, SOON TO BE WEDDED TO KING JOSEPH. LONG MAY HE REIGN IN THE KINGDOM OF HIS FATHER'S!"

"Yes, long may he rein. COULD HE BE ANY MORE OF MY AND OUR KING", proclaimed Chandler.

In stepped Lady Deborah, clad in gold and silver furnishing, her beauty shone like a star in the night sky LIKE A FIRE IN THE DARKEST CAVE AND A THOUSAND SUNS BURNING A WHITE HOT HEAT FROM WHICH ONE COULD FORGE THE MIGHTIEST SWORD FROM WHICH ANY ENEMY COULD BE SLAIN.

Lord Raymington turned towards the door, and Deborah, with mouth agape. His eyes burned with the passion of A TENS UPON HUNDREDS UPON THOUSANDS OF LOVERS, BEREFT OF THEIR LOVED ONE AND FORCED TO CRAWL THROUGH LIFE DESPERATE AND ALONE YEARNING FOR THEIR LOST LOVE WITH PASSION REPLACING BLOOD, RED WINE REPLACING THE BRAIN AND A THOUSAND HEARTS OF LOVE AND LUST AND EVERY FEELING OF SEXUAL ENERGY IN BETWEEN. LO DID HE FIND DEBORAH BEAUTIFUL FOR HE LOVED HER WITH A PASSION OF THE DEEPEST OCEAN AND THE FURTHEST SEA.

However, King Joseph did NOT notice this…

"Greetings my love!" he proclaimed in a kingly and honorable fashion.


End file.
